Hi, my name is Tori and I'm a...

I haven't written another blog post yet for a reason. I cannot decide what kind of blog I want this to be. A food blog? A crunchy blog? A crunchy mama foodie blog? I read so many blogs (I currently have 253 blog posts to catch up on...) and I love all of them for different reasons. But where do I fit in?

Here's what I want to talk about tonight: FOOD.

I have done SO much research on food in the past three years. It started with the Wellness Seminar. That lead to an interest in green smoothies and green drinks. And then raw food. Now vegan food. Gluten free. Chia seeds, hemp protein, tofu, kombucha, bee pollen, and a million other really weird things. I love all of them. Or I love the idea of all of them. 

Now through all of this research, I have found so many topics of interest and so much information on how to eat for health, how to heal disease, how to turn your life around through a whole foods, plant-based diet. I've even read blogs and books about people who have lost weight this way. I've also read blogs about people struggling with complusive eating. But nowhere have I read about HOW TO END FOOD ADDICTION.

Now, let me get to the real heart of this post... I'm just going to be completely honest and vulnerable here for a minute: I AM ADDICTED TO FOOD. I AM A COMPULSIVE EATER.

 To give my whole story would be much too time consuming. I will admit that I've noticed compulsive eating problems throughout all (almost) 24 years of my life. I felt like I had it under control most of those years. It's the last year(+) that it has spiraled out of control.

And I'm not just talking about a certain type of food. My mom, my grandparents, almost everyone I knew as a child, always called me a choco-holic. But this isn't just about my notorious sweet tooth. And I'm not just talking about emotional eating either, though I do believe it started out that way. I am talking about full blown addiction. I eat fast food almost every day (sometimes twice a day). I eat until I feel sick and sluggish (but euphoric). I go out of my way to get the food that I want (this morning I went to TWO different Taco Bells because one was sold out of my favorite food). I feel extremely depressed and anxious until I get the food that I want. Food literally controls my life. I am starting to get chest pains and am putting myself at risk for so many health problems. I lost and then gained back all of my pregnancy weight and am at the highest I've ever been. I am $6,000 in debt from food.

This is humiliating. I am DESPERATE. But the more desperate I feel, the more I want to eat. I hide in my house all day long, every day, refusing to go out. I won't even take my son on walks because it's so painful for me.

I grew up with skewed body image issues. I was always ashamed of my body. I was never told that I was beautiful. My mom hid all of the sweet junk food from me and tried to control my diet by packing me healthy lunches. I threw all of those carrots and celery in the trash (sorry mom!). I'd kiss boys for 25 cents in elementary school just so I could make enough money to buy myself an ice cream cone. I'd hide and eat junk food. I still hide and eat junk food. Sometimes in the middle of the night, so my husband doesn't know (sorry Ianne!). I do all of this under the cover of being a vegan. While it is true that we do not keep any meat, seafood, dairy or cheese in our house, it would be a lie to continue to say that I don't consume them.

  These patterns in my life MUST END. I do not want Linus to grow up with a mommy that won't take him outside to play. How would I explain that to him? "I'm sorry baby, mommy is too fat and embarrassed" is obviously not going to work (or do either of us any good). I want to do my best to raise Linus (and all future Spooners) to make healthy choices (and enjoy them!), but I want him to know that despite the way he looks and no matter what he weighs, he will always be unconditionally loved and accepted by me. How am I supposed to do this when I don't unconditionally love and accept myself?

You guys. I don't know where to start. It feels like I'm buried deep in this hole that I cannot get out of. I feel out of control. I feel like I'm bound to something that I do not want to be a part of. Food addiction is much more than having willpower or dieting or making a commitment to exercise. It's an addiction like any other and I feel like I don't know how to make it stop.

I'm not sure why I'm positing this. It's humiliating. But it's also good. I need to admit this. I need to just accept where I am and figure out how to move forward and get free from this. I need to see where this journey will take me. I want your (anyone's!) help, so I'm willing to be vulnerable if that's what it takes.

I'm going to take a huge risk (and maybe the first step?) and click the publish button now. If you can offer support, suggestions, tips, encouragement, direction, prayers, anything, I'm listening.