Hi, my name is Tori and I'm a...

I haven't written another blog post yet for a reason. I cannot decide what kind of blog I want this to be. A food blog? A crunchy blog? A crunchy mama foodie blog? I read so many blogs (I currently have 253 blog posts to catch up on...) and I love all of them for different reasons. But where do I fit in?

Here's what I want to talk about tonight: FOOD.

I have done SO much research on food in the past three years. It started with the Wellness Seminar. That lead to an interest in green smoothies and green drinks. And then raw food. Now vegan food. Gluten free. Chia seeds, hemp protein, tofu, kombucha, bee pollen, and a million other really weird things. I love all of them. Or I love the idea of all of them. 

Now through all of this research, I have found so many topics of interest and so much information on how to eat for health, how to heal disease, how to turn your life around through a whole foods, plant-based diet. I've even read blogs and books about people who have lost weight this way. I've also read blogs about people struggling with complusive eating. But nowhere have I read about HOW TO END FOOD ADDICTION.

Now, let me get to the real heart of this post... I'm just going to be completely honest and vulnerable here for a minute: I AM ADDICTED TO FOOD. I AM A COMPULSIVE EATER.

 To give my whole story would be much too time consuming. I will admit that I've noticed compulsive eating problems throughout all (almost) 24 years of my life. I felt like I had it under control most of those years. It's the last year(+) that it has spiraled out of control.

And I'm not just talking about a certain type of food. My mom, my grandparents, almost everyone I knew as a child, always called me a choco-holic. But this isn't just about my notorious sweet tooth. And I'm not just talking about emotional eating either, though I do believe it started out that way. I am talking about full blown addiction. I eat fast food almost every day (sometimes twice a day). I eat until I feel sick and sluggish (but euphoric). I go out of my way to get the food that I want (this morning I went to TWO different Taco Bells because one was sold out of my favorite food). I feel extremely depressed and anxious until I get the food that I want. Food literally controls my life. I am starting to get chest pains and am putting myself at risk for so many health problems. I lost and then gained back all of my pregnancy weight and am at the highest I've ever been. I am $6,000 in debt from food.

This is humiliating. I am DESPERATE. But the more desperate I feel, the more I want to eat. I hide in my house all day long, every day, refusing to go out. I won't even take my son on walks because it's so painful for me.

I grew up with skewed body image issues. I was always ashamed of my body. I was never told that I was beautiful. My mom hid all of the sweet junk food from me and tried to control my diet by packing me healthy lunches. I threw all of those carrots and celery in the trash (sorry mom!). I'd kiss boys for 25 cents in elementary school just so I could make enough money to buy myself an ice cream cone. I'd hide and eat junk food. I still hide and eat junk food. Sometimes in the middle of the night, so my husband doesn't know (sorry Ianne!). I do all of this under the cover of being a vegan. While it is true that we do not keep any meat, seafood, dairy or cheese in our house, it would be a lie to continue to say that I don't consume them.

  These patterns in my life MUST END. I do not want Linus to grow up with a mommy that won't take him outside to play. How would I explain that to him? "I'm sorry baby, mommy is too fat and embarrassed" is obviously not going to work (or do either of us any good). I want to do my best to raise Linus (and all future Spooners) to make healthy choices (and enjoy them!), but I want him to know that despite the way he looks and no matter what he weighs, he will always be unconditionally loved and accepted by me. How am I supposed to do this when I don't unconditionally love and accept myself?

You guys. I don't know where to start. It feels like I'm buried deep in this hole that I cannot get out of. I feel out of control. I feel like I'm bound to something that I do not want to be a part of. Food addiction is much more than having willpower or dieting or making a commitment to exercise. It's an addiction like any other and I feel like I don't know how to make it stop.

I'm not sure why I'm positing this. It's humiliating. But it's also good. I need to admit this. I need to just accept where I am and figure out how to move forward and get free from this. I need to see where this journey will take me. I want your (anyone's!) help, so I'm willing to be vulnerable if that's what it takes.

I'm going to take a huge risk (and maybe the first step?) and click the publish button now. If you can offer support, suggestions, tips, encouragement, direction, prayers, anything, I'm listening.

Alright, 4:30am, I surrender. You have all of me.

Know those times when you wake up in the wee hours of the night... the ones where you toss and turn and try to fall back asleep? (HA! Try that with a snoring husband AND a snoring baby next to you!) Do you guys make yourself stay in bed or do you just give in?

I gave in... for several reasons: I desperately wanted to listen to Super Bass(Nicki Minaj) and every time I tried to play it on my phone, Linus would pop his eyes open and try to squirmdance (what else do you call a 4 month old's crazy dance moves?) Crazy boy, it's 4:30 in the morning. Who does he think he is?!

More importantly, it is SILENT in my house. All I hear right now is the beautiful chattering of my keyboard. And that is such a beautiful, welcomed sound.

Last night I posted this on Facebook:

And I woke up to this reply in my inbox:

Um, hello? That would be Stephanie Dunn. A certain Benjamin Dunn's wife.

They're good people and I'm a fan. And I might possibly have a small girl crush on Stephanie.

And you know what? I'm going to send her my address. Because I still stand by my feeling like I deserve a bottle.

Also, Kristene DiMarco's new album, Safe Place just released today. You can get it on iTunes. Please, please, please do. I went to school with this lovely lady. She just had the most beautiful baby girl, Lorelai Praise.

This whole post sounds like an advertisement. That's not how it's meant to be, I just genuinely love and support these people. And as much as I wanted to enjoy Super Bass, I turned it off... I think I enjoy the silence even more. It's sure to be interrupted soon, so I'm going to just sit here and soak it up while I can. I feel like I deserve that too.

Hi, Hello

I wrote a whole post. It was long and whiny and my baby woke up. I only have one typing hand now as my other one is holding a screaming baby. Great. Basically, this:

I thought motherhood would come naturally to me. It does not.
I thought I understood what colic was. I did not.

But what I have figured out is this:
Motherhood is not about what I thought I knew. Motherhood is not about me.
Being someone's mommy is about learning to be completely selfless. My whole existence, my whole world, revolves around this little human. At first I felt like a failure and wondered what was wrong with me. Then I realized that this is an enormous transition for someone whose life used to be their own. For the first time, I'm learning to serve out of love which is also something that does not come naturally to me.

I'm not perfect. More often than not, I get it all wrong.

He's learning how to be alive and I'm learning how to survive.

His name is Linus. My name is Tori.
This is our cranky, colicky, crazy adventure.